It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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