Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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