I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
