And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
