Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
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Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
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We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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