you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
