How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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