I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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