My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
