I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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