So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
