I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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