I puked a lego.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
