the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
