here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
