OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize