My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
