wanna go halves on a baby?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
