You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
