Ambien. No doubt about it.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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