I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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