I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
