I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
