god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
