sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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