just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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