We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
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Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
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Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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