oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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