Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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