Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
