I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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