Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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