OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
