what day is it and did you see me today?
no you cant smoke seaweed
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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