My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
