I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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