I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
