I can text with my tongue
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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