I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
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Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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