I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
