the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
