woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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