The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
how drunk are you?
Several
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
