Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
