Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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