is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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