i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
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The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
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Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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