Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Did I show you my penis last night?
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At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
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If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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