I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
