I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
