Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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