I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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