I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
