He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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