I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
